Alternative Men of 2011

Written by Tom Newham | 30 January 2012
Posted in Features - News

Photography: Gage Skidmore

Did you read Time’s 100 people of the year? No, neither did I: it’s boring. It’s all very earnest, high-brow and serious – and dominated by Americans. The BBC’s offering (‘Faces of the Year’) wasn’t much better, though their women’s Faces did include a panda, which raised a few eyebrows. The problem with these compilations is that they’re full of dullards. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the work of the Central Bankers and Presidents of this world, but when it comes to making headlines, there has to be room for the downright bizarre. Not many achievements here as such: just entertainment. Here’s my alternative men of 2011.

Herman Cain: Well, I would’ve rolled all the Republican primary candidates into one if it wouldn’t have created something so utterly horrifying. Herman Cain makes the list for being probably the most entertaining of the lot – though Rick Perry certainly gave him a run for his money. The pizza magnate edges his rivals because, frankly, there’s nothing like a man aspiring to the most powerful job in the world who doesn’t know his way around basic American foreign policy. He also gets extra marks for trying to sing his way out of an adultery scandal, and failing miserably.

Jeremy Clarkson: There’s only one thing more offensive than Jeremy Clarkson’s shirt collection, and that’s his set of opinions. In 2011 he made the headlines for his comments on public sector workers, the Welsh and suicide. He also managed to end up posing for a photo with the EDL’s skinhead in chief Tommy Robinson. The fact that his Wikipedia page contains a hefty chunk entitled ‘Offensive remarks’ tells you all you need to know about ‘Jezza’. His real achievement in 2011, however, has to be to have done all this and held on to the £1 million or so he gets off the beeb every year. Personally I’d have him taken outside and shot in front of his family – but each to their own.

Jonnie Marbles: The comedian and activist, real name Jonathan May-Bowles, achieved fame, notoriety and four weeks in jail for throwing a foam pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. The custodial sentence raised eyebrows in some quarters: some would’ve said that being walloped by Murdoch’s wife Wendi Deng was enough. Illegal, irresponsible and possibly dangerous it may have been, but Marbles deserves a mention for having the backbone to do what many politicians would never do: stand up to Murdoch. And, er, throw a pie in his face.

Hermann van Rompuy: You might know him better as Nigel Farage’s punch bag. He’s actually famous – if you can call him that – for being head Eurocrat at something called the European Union. One time Prime Minister of a place known as Belgium, he now oversees the day-to-day dithering of the European Council. Why does he deserve to be on this list? Well, as his higher-profile counterpart at the EU, José Manuel Barroso, and the heads of government across Europe see their approval figures plummet, van Rompuy has been nowhere to be seen. Whilst anonymity might be dull, it’s better than unpopularity, and it’s a smart game that he’s playing.

Severus Snape: Ok, so he’s not a real person, but he deserves a mention nonetheless in the light of the release of the second film instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Harrows. Not since the death of Jade Goody has a public figure shot from being universally hated to being universally loved over such a short period of time. I don’t want to spoil it for anybody who’s not yet got round to reading or seeing it – but let’s be honest: if Snape turned out to be a murderous death eater he probably wouldn’t be on the list.

Paul McMullan: In Steve Coogan’s words, a total PR disaster. Even the most prolific rom-com actress would struggle to match the amount of times Paul McMullan has appeared opposite Hugh Grant, and only a few of them, I would venture, been shafted by him so often. Having emerged bloodied from the wreck of News of the World, McMullan has weaved his way around news studios apparently slowly morphing from a journalist into a tramp. His nuanced, considered argument in defence of phone-hacking? ‘Privacy is for paedos’. Nice one, Paul.

Kim Jong-un: Where I come from, chubby Asian kids get called names. In North Korea they get called ‘outstanding leader of the party, army and people’. Nobody would deny that it’s been quite a year for the third son of the Dear Leader, who succeeded his father Kim Jong-il as leader of the totalitarian state and, at 28, became the world’s youngest head of government. The place he vacated as world’s most significant heir to a dangerous organisation is filled by James Murdoch.

Fenton the dog: Not actually a real man, I’m afraid – in fact not even a human - but if the BBC can get away with choosing a panda in their list then it’s good enough for me. Fenton’s significance is hard to explain without reference to this clip. Suffice it to say that he’s responsible for one of the most entertaining utterances of the Lord’s name in vain for some time, and is fully deserving of the viral fame – or infamy, perhaps – that he has achieved.