Written by Jordan Bishop | 13 September 2011
Posted in Comment - Politics

Photography: Pyrat Wesly

It’s a tried and tested fact of life that if you aren’t interested in something, you won’t be any good at it. For example, I’m not particularly interested in knitting, speaking French or being a homosexual, which is why I’m embarrassingly bad at all three. Sure I could go out and purchase all the necessary guidebooks, attend some evening classes, and seek out the appropriate experience. But all this would be utterly pointless if my heart wasn’t really in it. We are all beautifully unique and, consequently, find that different things make us tick.

Take John Williams, one of the greatest composers alive today. Here is a man who knows a lot about music, someone who has successfully brought neoromanticism, inspired by the large-scale orchestral music of the late 19th century, to a modern audience. But would you ask him to write a review of the latest rap album to hit the charts?

It’s all a question of suitability. And for this same reason I honestly believe humans should have to undertake a stringent series of practical and theoretical tests before being allowed to breed.

Children are an inherently vile species as it is. Factor in useless parenting and you arrive at the conclusion that many children are lazy, useless, feral and show little respect for anything. General rule: the worse the parenting, the more icky the children.

I honestly believe humans should have to undertake a stringent series of practical and theoretical tests before being allowed to breed.

Unfortunately the government seems to disagree. Instead, in a speech last week, Michael Gove – Secretary of State for Education – has focused upon the role to be played by schools in reversing the “slow, and sustained, erosion of legitimate adult authority in this country.”

He continued by stating: “The only way to reverse this dissolution of legitimate authority is step-by-step to move the ratchet back in favour of teachers.”

Now, while I like the sentiment of his statement, it only goes so far as to solve the problem within an educational environment. (Assuming, of course, that legislation passes through parliament and assuming, of course, that it actually works.)

So what happens during the fifteen hours where children aren’t under the supervision of their teachers? They return to their parents who, if useless, undo all the hard work achieved during the supervised periods of schooling.

And this is why Michael Gove’s proposals don’t go far enough; they simply cannot target the source of the problem, merely the location where the issues are most visible.

No, if the government are really keen on improving youth culture then they should introduce a new law allowing adults to discipline unruly children if their parents fail to do so, or if they are otherwise engaged. Call Me Dave loves peddling this idea of the Big Society, so why stop at community BBQs and volunteer run hospitals? Surely in a Big Society I should be allowed to clout a little toe-rag round the ear when he and his mates shout obscenities in my direction.

Some will point out that, in the name of child protection, strangers can’t go around hitting potentially innocent children, as there is too much scope for the system to be abused. However the law would work more commonly as a preventive measure due to the ‘Embarrassment Factor’. Parents won’t like to see others punish their children while they stand by and will therefore exercise their authority more competently. Additionally, they might think twice about allowing their offspring to trash the local park in a cider induced rage – lest it occasion a similar castigation – so they’ll make damn well sure they are in bed by nine, with homework complete and the Eminem CD exchanged for some John Williams.

I’m adamant the impact of such a move would be immediate. Only the other day, while travelling on a crowded bus, I encountered a child that really needed some additional corrective guidance. The mother sat, apparently oblivious, whilst the boy chewed with his mouth open, dropped litter, kicked my chair and uttered the occasional expletive. Others around me tutted and I’m fairly confident that had I acted on impulse (after considering waterboarding I settled on force-feeding both parent and child the jettisoned rubbish) there would have been a standing ovation.

Sadly, the government are unlikely to consider these proposals.  Handing over the nation’s youth to collective punishment would probably be deemed barbaric, yet there is something vaguely democratic about the process. Utilitarian if you will. In the meanwhile Mr Gove, as I’m sure you are reading this, can I suggest in the next cabinet meeting you voice this interim measure: if you listen to rap music, you can’t have children.

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