Written by Jordan Bishop | 30 July 2011
Posted in Comment - Economy

Photography: dcmaster

In the olden days, about a billion years ago – before the United States of Americaland hatched out of George Washington’s gentleman ovary – Britain was a rather important world player. At its peak the British Empire held sway over about 458 million people, one-quarter of the world's population at the time, and covered more than 13,012,000 square miles, almost a quarter of the Earth's total land area. If, like me, you find those numbers to be a tad meaningless without an adequate marker then picture an area 1,622 times the size of Wales. Oh, and as for the seas? Britannia ruled those too.

You might well imagine that it was a rather good time to be British. It may well have been, but, as we now have laptops and Jennifer Aniston, I’m not convinced. Unfortunately for the Empire this posturing is irrelevant anyway because along came two world wars and, hey presto, its days were numbered. Yet, in spite of this, many still enjoy harking back with rose-tinted view, proclaiming that we could learn a lot from ‘the good old days’. Again I feel the jury is out on that one; there was a lot of good yes, but also much to be embarrassed about too - the use of concentration camps in Kenya, for example. And in any case, the world is a different place now; empires of this kind had their chance and humanity chose to progress.

The point of this week’s missive, though, is that, for better or worse, the Imperial era got things done for the economy – argue all you want but industrial revolutions don’t simply grow on trees. And it got me thinking. In such hard financial times, nations would do well to reinvigorate their economies in a similar fashion. As such, please allow me to explain the small matter of how this might be achieved effectively. (If you’re listening Eurozone: this plan is a little better than borrowing money off Herr Klaus.)

It’s obvious that those same methods which were employed by the empire-builders of yesteryear won’t be much use now. The economic prosperity of the British Empire was facilitated by drinking excessive amounts of tea. Tea takes hours to brew and they needed something time-consuming to fill the long, tedious expanse of time between the next week-long cricket match and exploiting a few of the indigenous peoples. (Coincidently, I’m told tea is still favoured by workmen and deranged, discontented Republicans.) Plainly, this wouldn’t work now; time is money, everything has to be instantaneous... now, now, now. And so an alternative stimulus must be sought.

This alternative has got to be fast-food. It seems no coincidence that following the Second World War, at exactly the same time as a certain corporation with burgers and golden arches came into being, America was able to assert itself as the global superpower. Welcome speed;  goodbye tea leaves and Limeys. I am convinced that fast-food is the answer. Oh, and before anyone points out that America is at present struggling just as much as Europe, let’s remember: this scheme gifted Uncle Sam with 70 years at the top. It’s only now that the lifestyle has caught up on them, leaving the vast majority with larger waistlines than IQs. I bet it was worth it though: sure the plan has a certain shelf-life to it, but they haven’t half run the show in the meantime.

This is why Europe is struggling. Our failure to embrace fast-food to the extent which America did has left us trailing in their wake. I even have proof. One of those countries struggling most is Italy, right? Well since 1986, portions of the population have been going the opposite way to the fast-food industry by advocating the Slow Food movement. While this promises to result in a nice, low stress lunch, it doesn’t seem to be working wonders for the economy. Then you have Ireland, also in trouble, whose problem seems to be they’d all rather play golf these days. Unfortunately I have no stereotypes for Greece, although I’m fairly certain I only saw one McDonalds during my entire visit.

It seems strange yet fast-food could actually be the healthiest thing for the world right now, in fiscal terms at least. It allows people to eat quickly and get back to work for longer. Tea won’t fill you up, but burger and chips definitely will. The most damning evidence of all though: China is fast becoming the new world superpower/Empire/money broker. Ronald McDonald arrived there in 1990 and expansion has been huge. Ronald and his Empire? Britain needs fast-food, Chinese styled.

Comments:

Next >